


All by Myself

by AeonTheDimensionalGirl



Series: I’ve Got You (You’re Safe Now) [8]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: (i'm sorry), Angry Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Angst with a Happy Ending, Arthur Pendragon Returns (Merlin), Banishment, Betrayal, Canon Era, Caring Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Dark Gwen (Merlin), Deviates From Canon, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Lost friendship, M/M, Merlin Gets a Hug, Merlin Needs a Hug (Merlin), Past Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Post-Episode: s05e13 The Diamond of the Day, Sad Merlin (Merlin), Whumptober 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:27:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26878951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AeonTheDimensionalGirl/pseuds/AeonTheDimensionalGirl
Summary: Merlin should have seen it coming, really. But it didn’t mean it hurt any less when the Queen decreed the order.
Relationships: Gwen & Merlin (Merlin), Leon & Merlin (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur, Merlin/Arthur Pendragon, Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: I’ve Got You (You’re Safe Now) [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1939345
Comments: 65
Kudos: 879





	All by Myself

**Author's Note:**

> **PROMPT No 8. WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?**  
>  “Don’t Say Goodbye” | **Abandoned** | **Isolation**
> 
> Brain: We hate how Merlin is treated in S5  
> Me: Yes, but we can make it be-  
> Brain: Make it worse  
> Me: … You’re right

Merlin is not sure how long he stays in the lakeshore, crying, after he sends Arthur away towards Avalon.

It could have been weeks for all that he cared.

But even if his heart has been taken away from him, at least he has a little hope left.

Arthur will come back one day.

And Merlin would be there to welcome him back.

It’s enough motivation for the warlock to finally get up and head towards Camelot.

He does so anxiously and feeling miserable.

But he must come back.

Gwen and the Knights need to know. Gaius needs to know.

The people need to know that their brave King will return one day.

Merlin marches forward.

* * *

He doesn’t get the opportunity.

Gwen is waiting for him when he finally reaches the castle steps, an entourage of Knights standing behind her.

All of them look grim.

Before Merlin can open his mouth to say anything, Gwen beats him to it.

“Arrest him”

“Gwen-?” he whispers in shock as Sir Kay and Sir Galahad grab him roughly by the arms and place a pair of manacles on his wrists.

“Gwen what-?”

“You’ll stay silent before your trial” the Queen commands with a cold voice, turning around and entering the castle.

Merlin has no other choice but to follow, dragged by Kay and Galahad.

“What’s happening?” he asks them, starting to panic.

“Silence, traitor”

Traitor?

Why-

But then he finally takes notice of the mistrustful stares, the people look at him as they never knew him-

And with a sinking feeling, he begins to realize his biggest fear has come true.

Somehow, his magic has been revealed.

Merlin begins to grow more and more apprehensive as they enter the throne room, where all the most important nobles are gathered, and Gaius.

His mentor seems to have aged a century, and when they lock eyes, the raven knows that this was not going to end well for him.

The warlock is dropped to his knees in front of the Queen, who stares at him with a dark look on her beautiful features that leaves no room for happy times of friendship while they were both servants.

Merlin feels his stomach grow heavy with dread.

He’s not an idiot; he knows that their friendship had fallen out ever since the wedding. Becoming Queen made Gwen spend less time with Merlin now that she wasn’t a servant, but even in the moments where they could have been together, Gwen either avoided him or treated him… indifferently.

Almost like she didn’t tolerate his presence.

And staring at her now, sitting on the throne like she was born to sit on, looking down at him with contempt in her doe brown eyes; Merlin had the sunken feeling that what little was left of their friendship is now long gone.

“You stand accused of having magic. How do you plead?”

It’s the harsh tone in her delivery that make Merlin pause and the stone of dread grow further. After Arthur, he’s just tired about lying-

But he can’t tell the truth.

“Not guilty”

“Don’t lie, Merlin” Gwen’s voice is chilly, “I know you were the sorcerer in Camlann, Gaius confirmed it so don’t bother lying”

The warlock meets his mentor’s eyes, which are filled with sorrow and guilt.

Gaius didn’t mean for this to happen, Merlin numbly realizes. His grand uncle more than likely said it in the hopes that his nephew would finally be recognized as the hero…

And it backfired spectacularly.

“I’ll ask again, how do you plead?” the Queen asks.

“Not guilty” Merlin repeated through gritted teeth, breaking his stare with the old physician to glare at the widow.

“Merlin-” Gwen hissed, “There is evidence against you. Books about magic have been found in your room”

“I think you misunderstand” Merlin said, voice surprisingly cold, “I plead not guilty, because why should I feel guilty for something I had no choice for being born with? I don’t know what has Gaius told you, but all I’ve done with my magic has been to protect Camelot, my friends, my family-” he swallowed painfully, “And my King”

“Protect? You think you’ve kept people safe?” the Queen repeated in a quiet voice.

The raven flinched at the anger in her tone

“If you had been any competent” Gwen began to say, “My brother would be alive, my _husband_ ” she hissed, “Would still be alive”

Merlin staggered back, feeling like he’d been struck.

“No” he whispered, shaking his head, eyes burning as his grief slams back, “No, no, Gwen, I did what I could- I tried to get him on time, I swear- I’ve only ever wanted to keep Arthur- Camelot- safe-”

“From what I’ve been told, you’re nothing but a danger to Camelot!” Gwen sat up from her seat, expression furious, “Ever since you stepped foot in this kingdom, you’ve attracted trouble and death. If it weren’t for you, my loved ones would still be standing here with me”

Every word was like a punch to Merlin.

“I should execute you, burn you, hang you, decapitate you” the Queen said, “But if it hadn’t been for you, Morgana would have won the battle of Camlann. So I’ll be lenient”

“Gwen-” he pleaded, not needed the gift of Sight to know where this was going.

“Merlin of Ealdor, I hereby declare you banished from Camelot and every other allied kingdom in Albion”

The warlock felt like has been slapped.

“You can’t do that” he whispered.

Camelot he understood… but the allied kingdoms? No one will allow him to settle in their lands.

This wasn’t mercy.

This wasn’t an ordinary punishment.

This was torture.

“I can and I will” the Queen said, “My scribes are drafting letters warning our allies about you as we speak”

The raven felt he couldn’t breathe. Tears stung behind his eyes and a sob was threatening to come out of his throat.

“Camelot is my home” Merlin croaked weakly.

“Not anymore” Gwen said, eyes cold, “You will leave by dusk, and return on pain of death”

She nodded to the guards.

“Take him away”

Merlin is escorted by two guards towards the Court Physician chambers, being held up by the arms to prevent him from escaping or doing something considered funny business.

Not that he’s planning on doing anything. He feels too numb and in shock to try a simple spell.

He automatically walks the tiny steps to his room in a daze.

With tears blurring his vision, Merlin packs his belongings blindly. At one point, he uses magic to shrink everything to properly fit when he can’t get a book inside his pack.

“So it’s true”

Merlin stills for a moment before sagging.

There’s no point in hiding anything now, he thinks as he hastily wipes away his tears before turning to greet at his visitor.

“Leon” Merlin mumbles as he begins packing the little wooden dragon his father carved for him and other small trinkets he’s collected over the years while his magic hangs down the drawings in his walls.

“Did you come to scream at me for not saving Arthur too?” he asked, trying to distract himself from crying again by folding his favorite quilt.

_“Do you need your comfort blanket?”_

He pushed away the memory of Arthur.

“I came to tell you something important”

By the time Leon has finished speaking, the warlock feels completely deprived of sensation.

Not only Arthur had died.

Gwaine had too.

“Was it quick?” he heard himself ask. The tears had begun falling again.

Leon looked away.

“Percival has not said so” he murmured, “But I would like to think he did”

Merlin closed his eyes.

“So do I”

“And- and Arthur?” Leon asked in a trembling whisper.

The raven sobbed.

“Peaceful” he choked out, “I- I sent him to- to Avalon” he revealed in a small voice.

Leon nodded, eyes misty and lost.

Faintly, Merlin remembered that Leon had known Arthur longer.

Exhaling shakily, the First Knight turned to look at him.

“I also came to bring you this”

Merlin’s breath hitches when he lays eyes on the carefully wrapped fabric in Leon’s hands.

Arthur’s ceremonial cloak.

Hands trembling, he reaches for the cape, taking it as if it were a treasured jewel. He runs his fingers through the rich red, the small circular clasps with the Pendragon sigil and the embroidered golden dragon.

“Thank you” Merlin whispered, hugging the cloak onto his chest, “Leon, I- thank you”

The First Knight nodded stiffly.

“He would have wanted you to have it” he said, not meeting Merlin’s eyes, “I know you two had a strange relationship, but Arthur cared deeply for you” he stared back at the raven, “Did he know?”

_“Leave me”_

_“So you’re not actually an idiot”_

_“I don’t want you to change. I want you… to always be you”_

“Yes”

“Did he always knew?”

“No” he swallowed. Leon nodded to himself, before placing his hand on Merlin’s shoulder.

“Take care, little falcon” he said, getting up and leaving Merlin alone to continue packing.

“Goodbye, Leon” the raven replied with misery.

All too soon, the room that has been his little safe haven for ten years has been stripped bare.

When he turns around, he finds Gaius looking at him with teary eyes.

The old physician and the warlock don’t say anything before they run into an embrace, crying their eyes out.

Gaius whispers apologies and condolences into Merlin’s ear, and Merlin whispers back forgiveness and thank yous for everything.

And all too soon, the guards clear their throats, indicating that it’s time.

As it happens when you’re banished, there’s no one to send him off.

He forces himself to take a deep breath to hold off the tears that still sting behind his eyes before beginning his walk out.

The whispers follow him all the way towards the gates, from the citadel to the Lower Town.

“He’s a sorcerer-”

“Banished-”

“Must have been his plan all along-”

“Disgrace-”

“Always a strange one, Merlin-”

Feeling eyes behind his back when he gets to the gateway, the raven turns around.

Even in the distance, he sees Gwen, Gaius, the Knights, all nobles and peasants watching him go.

No one makes a move to his direction.

The moment he’s out of the gates, Merlin runs, fist in his mouth in an attempt to keep his sobs quiet as he leaves Camelot.

* * *

The warlock stumbled blindly through the forest, a combination of his non-stop tears and the dark of the night.

His magic tries to soothe him all the while, guiding his steps so he avoids crashing onto a tree or falling thanks to a wayward root or rock.

In the end, he doesn’t know how long has been until he collapses onto an abandoned cottage.

Merlin is too tired and grief-stricken that he simply walks inside, takes out Arthur’s cape and falls onto what he believes to be the bed.

His sobs lull him to sleep.

* * *

The cottage, as it turns out, is quite simple in appearance, but for Merlin it becomes everything.

It’s hidden between thick trees and moss, a small creek running behind it next to a little field that seems perfect to plant flowers, weeds and herbs.

And- most importantly, it’s right next to the Lake of Avalon.

He’s well aware that he’s still in Camelot territory; but making his new home near the resting place of his King is mostly an act out of spite.

Gwen might have banished him from the true home he’s ever known, but Merlin has and will still defy unjust laws, as he did when Uther and Arthur were alive.

The warlock, after some hesitation, places wards around the perimeter. One to warn him of intruders, and the other to warn him if someone he considers a friend is near.

They’re never activated.

* * *

At one point during his first year, he crosses paths with two lost chicks while gathering firewood.

Merlin takes them home, and names them Egg and Fluffy respectively.

When they grow into a chicken and a rooster, he builds them a little hen house next to the cottage.

If the chicken coop looks like a tiny Camelot, no-one is none the wiser.

It’s not that Merlin has friends to tell them anyway.

* * *

It’s been two years when he decides that he wants to bring a more ‘lived in’ feeling to his cottage. It’s been nothing by the bed, the small kitchen and the wooden table all this time, his things still kept on his pack.

So, armed with the coin he’d left with, Merlin disguises himself as Dragoon again and teleports to a village in Nemeth. He’s on high alert all the while, not sure if people will recognize him.

But thankfully, no trouble comes to him.

He returns home with imported rugs, fabrics and pillows.

Admittedly, Merlin manages to have a little fun for the first time in years as he decorates his cottage.

He enchants his bed to be more comfortable and takes apart the pillows to embroider them with flowers and creatures of magic; places the rugs on the bedroom and creates a little loveseat with his magic to place with the other rug on the entrance of the house.

Merlin sews himself new clothes with the fabrics.

He feels a little less miserable by the end of it.

* * *

Merlin develops a routine by the end of his third year banished.

He wakes up by Fluffy’s crowing, and prepares himself either some eggs laid by Egg or some porridge and bread he baked the previous night. The warlock will then check his traps to see if meat or fish will be on the menu tonight.

Some days, he gathers herbs and makes salves and potions to sell at a market in any kingdom to make some coin. He goes once a month as Dragoon, and returns with monthly provisions.

Other days, Merlin tends to his garden. He has planted (by hand and by magic) different sorts of flowers, and on days when he’s feeling particularly miserable, he gathers the most beautiful of the lot and weaves them into wreaths.

Merlin then places them into the lake, lighting a candle that he’s placed on the center of it before sending it away.

He wonders if Arthur receives them.

* * *

It’s been five years when Merlin falls down a ravine looking for a missing Egg the Second, and breaks his neck.

He screams in horror when he breathes air again.

He’d wanted to be wrong in his assumptions when his father revealed he was magic itself.

Magic is the fabric of the earth-

And Emrys means immortal.

Merlin cries himself to sleep.

* * *

One day, after ten years have passed and he’s feeling a little rebellious, Merlin returns to Camelot in disguise.

He treats his second transformation into a woman (would it technically be the first since he was his age this time?) as a little adventure.

He creates a simple dress out of the flower petals in his garden, ties his hair back in a similar way his mother used to do, and sets off.

Camelot it’s the same.

Merlin steps, almost fearfully, onto his previous home-

And can’t help but gape.

There’s magic in the air.

He tumbles, holding his skirt tightly, onto the market, astonished as he sees children use magic freely in the streets, men and women selling different amulets of protection and magical potions for maladies.

“The ban is lifted?” he asks a woman selling flower crowns for the upcoming Beltane festival.

“Yes, has been for a year now” she explained with evident relief in her features, “Magic users can finally roam back the streets”

Merlin could cry of happiness.

Perhaps- this meant-

He could come back!

“My friend will be elated to return” he says, not even bothered that his now high voice is higher than it should be.

“Yer friend?” a man asks as he approaches the stall.

“He- er, had to leave” Merlin explains quickly, “Magic got discovered, didn’t want his head chopped off” he laughed nervously.

“What was his name? Jonathan here knew everyone is Camelot for the past five and ten years” the woman kindly asks.

“Perhaps I knew ‘im. I never forget a face” Jonathan reaffirmed.

“Merlin” the raven said his name with hope and delight unfurling in his chest-

Only to dim a bit when he witnessed Jonathan still and the woman purse her lips.

“Ah. _Him_ ” she said, before going around with her business as if they were never talking in the first place.

Merlin frowned, feeling hurt.

“Listen lass” Jonathan said, placing his hand on his shoulder, “There’s something you should know about the repeal on the magic ban; every single magic user can come back, except for that lad”

Merlin staggered back as he’d been slapped.

“What?” he whispered.

“He can’t set foot in Camelot. Boy was banished ‘cause he was a menace. Half of the disasters to plague Camelot were ‘cause of ‘im” he grunted, “It will do you better to distance yourself from that boy. It’s what everyone has done, contacting him it’s just trouble for ya”

Merlin stood in shock for a while.

He hadn’t just been isolated.

He’d been _abandoned_ -

Merlin hadn’t realized he’d fallen to his knees until he felt someone asking him he was alright- perhaps he should visit the new Court Physician? He’d been Gaius apprentice and was said to be a genius of his own right unlike the last disgrace who let King Arthur die-

The raven choked on a sob, feeling devastated.

Is this what they really thought of him?

Still shaking, Merlin stood up, gathered the skirts of the dress and ran away from the marketplace and Camelot, sobbing all the way back to his little cottage.

* * *

He’s gone numb with shock by the time he arrives to the Lake of Avalon.

Merlin dropped the transformation back at one point, and even turned the dress into his normal attire.

A heavy rain has begun to fall, but he doesn’t walk into the cottage.

Instead, he walks towards the lake, and sits on the same spot in which Arthur died in his arms.

_“Thank you”_

“Arthur?” he called while his tears began to fall once again, shaking between sobs, “I- I don’t know if you can hear me, but I hope and pray that you do”

A strong gust of wind blew past Merlin, making him curl into himself.

“I know- I know that one day, you’ll rise again, when Albion’s need is greatest” he continued saying, “And yet, I- I can’t help but ask-” he sobbed, “Can you come back now, please?”

The only answer he got was another howl of wind and thunder.

“I feel like- like everyone has left me. Abandoned me on the road to die. You- you might have had your bad moments- but you never left me behind…. Right? You never made me feel isolated, despite not knowing about my magic” he said, “Gaius died and no-one attempted to find me to inform me… it’s as if everyone has collectively decided that because I failed to save you, I must be punished like this”

Merlin sobbed again, choking as he began trembling under the assault of the elements.

A rational part of him knew that he should give it up and go inside the cottage if he didn’t want to catch a cold or die of exposure.

Then again… he was immortal.

Let the elements rage against his skin.

“Is it too much to ask, too selfish to ask for you to come back for me?” he whispered with a cry, “You- you would make things right. You wouldn’t let any harm come to me, right? You would- you would still be my- my friend?”

Thunder raged.

“Please come back” he pleaded, voice weak.

The storm continued.

Merlin didn’t have the energy to get up-

He was cold and his body hurt.

“Please, Arthur… for me”

He was miserable and heartbroken.

The lake looked to be having a small hurricane inside of it-

He was alone.

As he began to lose consciousness, Merlin could have sworn he saw the surface of the lake bubble.

* * *

He’s lured into consciousness by something warm.

Wait…

Not something.

Someone was holding Merlin, embracing and gently rocking him back and forth.

“-orry, I’m so-”

Faint words were being whispered into his ear.

“-sorry, Merlin- I- I’ve caused you so much pain- in life and in death-”

Tender fingers caressed his hair in a similar way his mother used to do when he had nightmares as a child.

“You deserved so much better things in life- and gods be damned, I’m really the prat you say I am for not giving them to you-”

_“I’m really the prat you say I am-”_

Merlin tensed.

He didn’t want to hope-

But he _knew_ that voice.

_Arthur._

“Merlin?”

The raven didn’t dare to open his eyes.

What if this was a dream?

“ _Mer_ lin, I know you’re awake”

“You’re not real” Merlin croaked, keeping his eyes closed.

“I can assure you that I am”

And the raven felt his fingers be gently grabbed, the cold metal of a ring making him sharply inhale as his hand was pressed to a chest and-

A heartbeat.

“Please open your eyes”

When Merlin did, he gasped.

Arthur.

Alive.

Breathing.

Smiling at him, holding him as his beautiful sapphire eyes were brimmed with tears-

Arthur _fucking_ Pendragon.

With a cry, Merlin threw himself at his dear friend, holding on tightly, still afraid that he would go away. He cried harder when he felt Arthur return the embrace just as tightly.

“I don’t understand” Merlin whispered, voice hoarse, “I was told-”

“When Albion’s need is greatest” Arthur finished for him, “I know” he murmured, “But things might be a little different now”

Merlin drew back, still feeling confused and elated, cupping his King’s face between his hands, and _still_ not fully believing it.

“What do you mean?”

“… Would you believe me” Arthur began to say slowly after a moment of silence, “That the Triple Goddess herself brought me back to you?”

“No” Merlin admitted.

“Too bad, it’s what it happened” the blond pressed their foreheads together, “You asked me to come back, and I did”

Merlin began to cry, shaking his head.

This was too good to be true.

“No”

Arthur looked at him, hurt and confused.

“No?”

“After everything I’ve been through- I can’t believe this” Merlin snarled, hot tears streaming down his face, “I’ve been given too many hopes and brought down again and again”

He curled onto himself, sobbing.

His King held him, going back to rocking him back and forth until his cries subsisted.

“We’ve been granted a second chance, Merlin” Arthur said in a quiet voice, “To be happy after so much suffering”

His next words are full of sorrow and anger.

“I saw you, while I was in Avalon. I saw Guinevere turn Camelot against you in her grief. I saw people think the worst of you just because it was revealed you had magic, despite everything you’ve done- I-!” the blond took a shaky breath before staring at the raven directly, “I saw them abandon you. I swear to you that I am not planning on doing that”

Merlin smiled at him sadly.

“But in time, you’ll leave me again” he whispered, steading himself to reveal his less than happy discovery, “I- I’m immortal, Arthur”

To his surprise, the King grinned at him at the same time he caressed his cheek.

“I know” and to Merlin’s shock, he added, with a shy smile, “So am I”

Merlin hit him.

“Don’t be cruel with me now!” he cried hotly, slamming a pillow repeatedly onto the blond, “It’s not a jest, Arthur!”

“I swear to you that I’m not jesting!” Arthur cried out, “Just- look”

And he rolled up his sleeve to reveal a tattoo on his wrist.

Merlin gasped, ceasing his attack.

A triskelion.

Not an ordinary one, like the druids possessed.

A _golden_ triskelion.

Merlin could feel the magic- raw, pure, powerful- generating from the tattoo.

“This- this is-” he stammered, eyes wide and reeling from the revelation as hope finally settled well on his chest-

“Ancient magic” Arthur finished for him, smiling, “I told you. We’ve been granted a second chance”

And with that said, he pressed a timid kiss to the back of Merlin’s hand.

_“Just- take it”_

_“You’re the only friend I have and I don’t want to lose you”_

_“Just- hold me, please”_

_“Thank you”_

_“Arthur cared deeply for you”_

_Oh._

“You missed” the warlock chided softly.

The King smirked.

“Did I?”

“Yes, you prat” Merlin smiled gently, and pressed his lips to Arthur’s.

**Author's Note:**

> (And maybe, a few centuries later, they encounter Leon)
> 
> Anyway- Unhappy endings? I don’t know her! _*hands Merlin a happy ending hE DESERVES*_
> 
> Merlin and Arthur live happily together for eternity.


End file.
